The Brew Review

February 28, 2006

Victory Hop Devil

Filed under: American,Asbolute Swill,Drama — brewreview @ 10:05 pm

Victory Hop Devil

victory-hop-devil.gif

Reviewed by:  Guinness Girl and Oy Vey

Nationality: American

Tastes like: Interview with the Vampire

Comments

“Caswell-Massey!  Tastes like PERFUME!  Really really really flowery, which is interesting because it’s devilish.  My mouth was washed out with soap…ONCE…as a kid, and this is what it tasted like.  FOUL. ” – Oy Vey

“Not bad.  Not bad.  Not bad…EW!!!” – Guinness Girl

“That is some flowery shit.” – Oy Vey

“It’s weird…on the front half of the tongue, it’s really tasty – but then it hits the BACK and DEAR GOD…” – Guinness Girl

Decision: This is the perfect Interview with the Vampire beer – it’s perfumey and oddly pretty, but then it bites ya in the neck.  Smells nice, but SO isn’t.

LOTS of “yuck”s.

“It’s like drinking Tide laundry detergent.” – Oy Vey

Consensus: UNDRINKABLE

Reviewed at: Ten Stone

Young’s Luxury Double Chocolate Stout

Filed under: Asbolute Swill,English — brewreview @ 5:34 pm

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Nationality: From England’s Oldest Brewery

Reviewed by: Guinness Girl and Oy Vey

Tastes like: Brown Bunny
“Tastes like unsweetened chocolate.” – OV

[Discussion about Johnny Depp]

“Cute!” – OV
“Creepy!” GG

[Discussion about Orlando Bloom]

“Cuter as Legolas.” – OV
“Creepy as Legolas.” – GG

“Tastes like beer plus cocoa powder. Wretched.” – OV

“Ewww. You’re the baker, you know. Totally smells like Chocolate [taste]. Ewww…Yeah. I dont know if I’d call this Absolute Swill. Man. What an odd combination of taste. I don’t want to waste my sobriety on this.”

“Too wannabe artsy. Doesn’t pull it off. Shall we go suck on the devil’s teat?”*

“This beer invokes anger.” GG
“Then it must be Absolute Swill.” OV

*Some such stout called Devil’s Milk was suggested to us by the lovely lass at Pico de Gallo.

Reviewed at: Pico de Gallo

February 25, 2006

Samichlaus Bier

Filed under: Asbolute Swill,Austrian,Romance — brewreview @ 10:13 pm

Samichlaus Bier

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Reviewed by: Guinness Girl and Oy Vey

Nationality: Austrian

Tastes like: The Postman

Comments:

[reading from the label on the bottle] “The World’s Most Extraordinary Beer. [snicker snicker] Brewed only once a year on December 6, Samichlaus is aged for 10 months before bottling. This beer is perhaps the rarest beer in the world. [more snickers and chuckles]. Samichlaus may be aged for many years to come. Older vintages become more complex, with a creamy warming finish.” – Oy Vey

“This sounds vaguely like that commercial for the K-Y Personal Lubricant.” – Guinness Girl

“You’re just saying that because of it saying ‘creamy warming finish’.” – Oy Vey

[laughter from GG]

“WOW. FUCKING TALL ORDER, is all I have to say. I’m almost afraid to drink this.” – Oy Vey

[both girls taste the beer. hysterical laughing ensues].

[Oy Vey looks like she’s going to spit it out].

“Omigod. That could be the WORST beer I’ve ever tasted.” – Oy Vey

“It’s like a bottle of syrup, but a beer!” – Guinness Girl

“Why am I smelling sushi? Oh yeah, I totally know what you mean about the syrup thing. This is HORRIBLE.” – Oy Vey

“UGH! Do we have to drink this whole bottle?” – Guinness Girl

“I was just going to say – I don’t know if I can drink it.” – Oy Vey

“Hairspray! A hint of Aquanet.” – Guinness Girl

“BLECK. Can you imagine how gross it would be if we’d aged that shit?” – Oy Vey

“Movie: could be Waterworld…but there’s a certain syrupy quality to it. So it’s gotta be a bad romance. Could be From Justin to Kelly…but they didn’t claim to be the world’s best movie. (long diatribe on hating Kevin Costner). Arrogant bastard. This beer is an arrogant bastard.” – Collective

“The Postman! It’s a romance, and it sucked, and it’s Kevin Costner.” – Oy Vey

“14% alcohol = 3- or 4-hour movie.” – Collective

Reviewed at: home

Gilde Pilsener

Filed under: Asbolute Swill,Austrian,Comedy,German — brewreview @ 9:28 pm

Gilde Pilsener

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Reviewed by: Guinness Girl and Oy Vey

Nationality: German

Tastes like: Ernest Goes to Africa

Comments:

“It smells like skunk!” – Oy Vey

“Great. I’m about to drink something that smells like skunk.” – Guinness Girl

“Tastes bland…but the smell! Oh, GOD, the smell!” – Oy Vey

[drinking with nose plugged] “I bet this is what O’Doul’s tastes like. Thank God we don’t know that first-hand.” – GG

“Hideous!” – Oy Vey

“This beer makes me rethink my desire to be a brew reviewer. I’m kidding, of course. And of course I’ll drink it all down, just because I paid $4.75 for it.” – GG

“It’s not as bad as The World’s Best Beer. But it smells worse than The World’s Best Beer.” – Oy Vey

[The Brew Reviewers then decide to add lime to it.]

“A little like drinking fizzy hairspray!” – GG

“Better with the lime. The lime masks the smell . Kinda like Corona quality with lime.” – Oy Vey

Reviewed at: Society Hill Hotel

Arrogant Bastard Draught

Filed under: American,Asbolute Swill,Drama — brewreview @ 8:04 pm

Arrogant Bastard Draught

Reviewed by: Guinness Girl and Oy Vey

Nationality: American (California)

Tastes like:
Titanic, although there was also some discussion of Waterworld. (Oy Vey leans heavily on the Waterworld side.)

Comments:
“Arrogant bastards are usually arrogant. I think this is the same, and the arrogant bastard who made this beer would secretly agree with me. ” – Guinness Girl
“Two words: cat piss.* ” – Oy Vey
“Two more words in favor of Waterworld: Kevin Costner.” – Oy Vey

Reviewed at: Eulogy

*This comment was followed by a long discussion of where and why the term ‘cat piss’ is used legitimately in wine tasting…but we are, ever-so-kindly, sparing you from the details.

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